This is an outlet for cooperation and healthy relationships. The main features of cooperation are that you are very much focused on your interests and almost as much on the interests of your partner.
And do not pretend that he was pleased or to look cute in his eyes, but sincerely want his well-being.
To learn to cooperate, you first need to address the personal difficulties that make you behave unconstructively. In general, the reasons for non-constructive conflicts in the family are always unresolved personal problems of partners. An exception is the lapping period, but it cannot take too long. If year after year goes by, and you still have a “grinding period”, there are profound contradictions in the pair.
But what in general makes us quarrel and conflict unconstructively?
Reasons for non-constructive behavior in conflict
Here we will digress from the example with nutrition, and see in general how it happens, conflicts can be on a variety of topics.
Perhaps we …
… we compete with a partner, we try to assert ourselves at his expense (he is narrow-minded, and I am smart, especially against his background / let him see how I can cope well without her);
… not ready to cooperate (there is no common goal in the family or we ignore it);
… we perceive a partner as an enemy, we believe that his motivation is always negative, and ours is only positive (I try for the house, and he walks … or vice versa: I work, and she has fun);
… We believe that victory is more important than solving the problem (let him admit that I am right, otherwise I will not talk / she offended me, now, until she asks for forgiveness, I will not give in);
… we feel resentment, dissatisfaction or guilt, and sometimes the whole set of these children’s emotions at once (it’s normal – sometimes to feel them, but when they begin to control us – constructive communication is over)
… we do not know how to defend our opinion and do not value ourselves (nothing that they ignore my desires and needs, but I look like a good wife).
All these are attributes of a non-constructive conflict. And it really ruins the relationship.