Your sexual satisfaction. Chances are it’s something your partner cares about deeply, but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have some really annoying habits, as well. Maybe he’s stuck doing old tricks (over and over), reticent to relinquish things that have worked in the past. Maybe he’s working with too little information or simply not factoring in your unique wants and needs. Whatever the case, here are the 15 most annoying things that men commonly do in bed, each with a corrective tip that will leave his ego unscathed… or scathed just the right amount.
Countless men are loathe to ask for directions in bed and often that bull-headedness leads to getting hopelessly lost. “I like asking, ‘Would you like me to tell you a little bit about my body?'” says relationships coach Effy Blue. “I have never had anyone say no to that question. I then explain where I like being touched and how. Sometimes I’ll demonstrate it on their body by touching them in places where I like to be touched in the same way. This starts the conversation. Once I share, I often end with, ‘What about you?'” She adds that practicing your words ahead of time is a good way to minimize awkwardness.
Psychologist and sex therapist Dr. Lori Buckley suggests telling a goal-fixated partner that you enjoy the feeling of intense arousal that happens before orgasm, and that you like to delay orgasm as long as possible. From there, it’ll be easy to pivot to something closer to the truth: That you have more orgasms when you’re in the moment and trying to have an orgasm. And while you appreciate his efforts, it’s difficult for you when he is working so hard.
Humans—like other animals—are pattern seeking. We perform an action, that action has an effect, and a connection is formed in our minds. The reliability of this connection falters when certain variables are introduced. Things like a completely different sex partner. As you know, insisting that their ex used to respond favorably to whatever maneuver they’re bothering you with isn’t going to make the slightest bit of difference to how you feel.
“One way to approach this can be to figure out if there is anything you like about his signature move and if there’s any way it can be improved/customized for you,” says Blue, and offers an example. “I like that you pull my hair as I am about to cum, it would feel even better if you didn’t pull so hard.”
Ooohs, ahhhhs, oh my gods… Yes, yes!, yeses… Even stunned silences happen when what he’s doing is doing it for you. The thing is, he might not know what each of these utterances—or non utterances—mean.
So help him to help you by talking about what kind of sounds you make when you are having a good time. “For some people, it is obvious and for others not,” says Blue. “Some people go absolutely silent when they are aroused which can be confusing. Make sure you address all that before.”
If your man really wants to ensure you’re having a good time, that’s a good thing. But if his questions take you out of your head, establish some other way to tell him whether he’s getting warmer. Blue suggests squeezing a hand. Dr. Buckley suggests using your words if he’s unable to intuit nonverbal cues as communicating what you like and don’t like, what’s ok and what is not ok, is extremely important. “Use positive language and try to always say something you like as well,” she says. “Instead of saying “I don’t like when you _____”, tell him what you will like “I would love (or it would feel really good) if you ________”.
8 He lets you do all the work when you’re on top.
Girl-on-top allows women to take complete control over the pace, angle, depth, and level of stimulation. A complaint that some women raise, however, is that the man uses this position as an excuse to take five. If that leaves you cold, take his hands and place them on your breasts, your ass, tell him to pull your hair, choke you, or whatever it is that you like. You can also try staying still and incite him to thrust up into you while you concentrate on finding an angle that works for you.
Data from the OMG Yes Sexual Pleasure Report: Women and Touch demonstrate—for the first time ever, in a nationally representative sample of American women—just how important the clitoris is to female orgasm. Nearly three-quarters of women said that clitoral stimulation during intercourse was either necessary for their orgasm or made their orgasms better.
But while clitoral stimulation is important to many women, timing matters and too much clitoral stimulation can be more intense than you’d like. “During sex, you could try busying his hands elsewhere—bringing his hands to your breasts or butt if they start to wander down below before you’re ready,” says Debby Herbenick, PhD, professor at Indiana University School of Public Health and author of Because It Feels Good. “When you’re into it, guide his hands back to your clitoris. You can also try talking outside of bed—letting him know how much you like (or need) clitoral stimulation, and more specifically when you want it.”
Dr. Buckley offers a more tactile solution: “Tease him by not going directly to the head his penis. Kiss his whole body while getting very close, with some light touches and licks to his nipples, penis and balls until he’s out of his mind with desire. Then tell him how much you enjoy the same!”
“Watching porn to learn how to have sex is like watching a Fast and the Furious movie to learn how to drive,” says sex coach Kenneth Play. Yet, many men are eager to implement acts they’ve seen in porn and some of that can be good, provided that both partners are into it and it feels authentic to your relationship. When it’s more a case of monkey see, monkey do, it can make your feel farther from your partner instead of closer.
“It can feel awkward (and even scary) when a partner springs sex acts on you that you’re not into, aren’t ready for, that hurts, or that feels aggressive,” says Herbenick. “It’s totally fine to say, ‘let’s try something else,’ ‘I’m not into that,’ or ‘that hurts,’ for unwanted pussy slapping.” Herbenick adds that it’s also fine to stop the action altogether if you’re really not into it and want to make sure he gets the message. “Too many women muddle through sex they’re not into,” she says. “Since you both presumably are into having good—even amazing—sex with one another, it’s only fair to tell him when he’s off-base.
12 He tries to initiate anal with not enough prep or lube.
In their book, Sex: How to Do Everything, Em and Lo, of EMandLO.com, outline how there is a right way to engage in anal play and a definite wrong way. They remind readers that unlike the vagina, the rectum and anus are not self lubricating, adding that there is also a fairly sharp curve to the rectum you won’t find in the vagina. “For these reasons, lube is a must,” they say. “So is a slow pace with lots of communication because painful anal will mean zero anal in his future.” Em and Lo’s absolute favorite advice is to have him bend over and receive some anal attention from you, whether with a finger or made-for-butt-play toy with, of course, lots of lube, so he can feel for himself how pleasurable doing it the right way can be.